Welcome to my home on the internet. I am a middle aged, fluffy, stay at home mother to five kids. Life is not perfect, but it is great! If you want to witness someone struggle with a special needs child, her faith, her marriage, weight loss, and life; you found the right spot. If you were hoping for perfection, keep looking. I have a great sense of humor and I love to uplift and pray for others, so send requests or drop me a line.

Monday, September 26, 2011

On the outside looking in...

There are many places in my life that I feel like an outsider.  I, at times, find myself feeling like I am outside the group, pressed up against the window, wanting to feel a part of what is going on, but stuck outside because I didn't measure up.  Some of these areas are silly, some of them still wound my heart, some no one understands.  I feel outside the heart groups I am a member of. Madison had what the medical world terms a simple defect.  That means that it was a very easy fix, simply remove the narrow section of her aorta.  So when I am in the heart groups and mothers talk about the road they are facing or have faced I don't quite measure up.  Chris and I were never prepared for her passing, not a single doctor didn't expect her to make a complete and full recovery.  I have very sweet dear friends that have both lost and almost lost their children.  I feel like a fake in their presence most days.  I know it is my perspective on the situation that is off.  I get that.  But I also feel totally ill equipped to speak to mothers in the heart community most days!  I don't want to misrepresent myself.  We spent 10 days in the hospital for Madison's repair, only 3 days in the PICU.  So many others have lived through so much worse and so much more, that I really feel like a fraud even standing in the same group as them.  My church is the other place I feel like this a lot.  I have been attending my church home for 10 years.  I was saved at that alter, and I don't think I will ever comfortably leave it.  Sadly though I feel very pigeon holed as the not-spiritual-enough-lady.  I pray often for God to use me, and I have a dream of being known for my faith, but I don't feel used, I don't feel like my faith, my fight, my testimony has ever been noticed.  I am on the outside looking in, not holy enough because I allow my realness to be seen.  I am a fairly transparent person, I don't put on a good show of anything that I am not really feeling.  I spent a lot of years wearing the masks that I thought others wanted to see me as.  I refuse to go there any more, but instead of that being a strength, it is a glaring spot on my reputation.  I am the wild card, you never know what is going to pop out of my mouth.  I am the one telling the story making some folks cringe, others laugh hysterically, and others are realizing that they aren't alone in their struggle, sadly though the cringing folks are the ones in charge, so I lose esteem in their eyes every time. 

I understand that most of this is my problem, and no one else's.  My perception is probably the skewed one, so I keep quiet and continue to pray for God to deliver me from what ever is wrong with me that makes me feel this way.  I don't know if it is rejection, because I know I am very loved and accepted by those that love and accept me.  I don't know what it is really other than my own insecurities and inabilities.  

Tonight I read the blog of a woman I deeply admire for many reasons, I then found that I had been invited to join her closed (exclusive) facebook group, I was blown away.  I read the group page and a lot of women were posting their stories and telling this wonderful woman how she has touched their lives, and I sat with my fingers over the keyboard, stunned into silence and feeling totally inadequate to type anything.  Everything I imagined typing sounded flippant and that is certainly not my heart.  So I just closed the tab and went on to some thing else on the internet that I needed to get read.  

Maybe tomorrow the words will come.  Maybe tomorrow the deliverance will come.  Maybe tomorrow I will measure up.  Maybe tomorrow I will be good enough...
Me :) talking with my hands in the middle of a story with friends :) I don't look that weird when not talking ;)

3 comments:

Rhonda said...

Don't feel like an outsider. Your "issues" are just as important as everyone else no matter how extreme everybody else is. Have a great day!

Mrs. Arpino said...

You are not alone in this. Jess, You are not defined by Madison's difficulties or lack there of. You are the mother of a baby who had a heart defect at birth. That is your club card. I can't imagine you thinking "well, her baby wasn't that sick, she shouldn't be here" - and it's not likely that other do either! Satan is a deceiver, don't let that slip your mind. As far as not knowing what to say, sometimes being a quiet presence is far more helpful, or few words of greeting or comfort. I love who you are. God isn't done with you yet, isn't that a wonderful thought? Love you girl!

Linda said...

I just came across your blog post today. I'm sorry you are struggling with this, it must be hard. I don't think anyone who has had "sicker" children would begrudge you your story and your struggle, if you know what I mean? It's all hard. You've had more than just a simple CHD repair. Simple CHD repairs don't spend weeks out of the year in the hospital. ;) But at the same time I appreciate the respect you show those that have been deeper in the valley of the shadows of death. I would never say that I know what it's like to loose a child just because we almost did. It's not even in the same ballpark. It just shows that you are sensitive to their pain. But I also think that doesn't mean yours is not valid, it really is! Pain is pain is pain. I think I might be rambling now, lol. Just hope you get my heart. :) Love ya lady, you're a brave and courageous woman and I admire you!